BREAK UP/DIVORCE: REASONS, AND ITS SOLUTION
While the last thing lovers want to think about is breaking up, the sad reality is that it happens—a lot. In fact, as
many as 50 percent of relationships eventually end in heartbreak. But how can you tell whether your relationship will survive? Well there are surefire predictive tells like the way you argue, and how often you communication. Even the way you carry your day-to-day conversation can shed light on your relationship's longevity.
1. Withdrawal during arguments
Partners who admitted that they withdrew during arguments are being unhappier and more apathetic about the relationship overall.
Withdrawal is the most problematic for relationships because it's a defense tactic that people use when they feel they're being attacked, and there's direct association between withdrawal and lower satisfaction overall with the relationships
2. You're not on the same page
When Virgil wrote that " love conquers all," he had clearly never been in a serious relationship. Yes love overcome many things but there's one thing that it can't overcome, it's not being on the same page. At the end of the day, you and your partner need to be clear about fundamental decisions like where to live, when and if to have kids, how to save and spend money--- otherwise, the relationship will fall apart...
Notes that these so-called "dealbreakers" are often
"desires of one
partner for the relationship to get more serious, personal beliefs and values, the kind of lifestyle each person wants to live,
and wanting to have children."
3. You hold your partner to unrealistic standards.
Your partner is likely doing the best they can—but like any human, they're going to mess up and make mistakes sometimes.
And while a supportive /partner/spouse handles these slip-ups like an adult, an unsupportive one will treat their partner like they
should be perfect 100 percent of the time, leading to frustration on both ends.
"When your partner doesn't measure up to something they didn't even sign up for, there is a tendency to try to change
them, with no understanding that your own behavior plays a huge role," says Doares. "By focusing on your partner, it
allows for justification as to why they are the problem."
4. You're afraid of being alone
Many people will avoid conflict and pretend that issues in their relationship don't exist simply because they live in fear of
being alone. However, this strategy backfires, as all conflicts will rear their ugly heads eventually—and by then, it's usually
too late to solve them.
"Being afraid of being alone, and thus willing to accept any relationship no matter how unhealthy, is another common
pattern that keeps relationships from working. Appropriate boundaries need to be identified and enforced.
5. You rely on body language to convey your feelings.
At the beginning of a relationship, partners/couples tend to be honest and open about their feelings and emotions. But as things
progress, many people doom their relationships by assuming that their significant other can and should be able to read
their body language and just know what's on their mind.
"Where a conversation once existed, now there is silence, an eye roll, or edgy energy emitting that becomes divisive if not
ultimately crushing,"
"Over time we get too
comfortable in our partnership, too lazy, or sometimes even become apprehensive and we stop communicating thoughtfully
with each other."
6 You compare your relationship to everyone else's.
The worse things are in your own relationship, the better everyone else's is going to look. But by comparing yourself, you
are only going to feel worse. You're ultimately sabotaging whatever of your relationship there is left to salvage.
"Comparison is the thief of joy,"
Note:Focus on your own relationship rather than coveting someone
else's. The grass is greener where you water it and no relationship is as flawless as it looks on Social media.
7. You refuse to compromise
Compromising isn't just about letting your partner/spouse choose which restaurant you go to every once in a while. In a healthy,
committed relationship, to compromise is to make "the conscious choice to accept each other for exactly who you are
.
Note: If you want your
relationship to last, you need to give up your need to be right and in control all of the time.
8 You don't express your emotions similarly
Have you ever found yourself crying in a fit of rage while your partner has not so much as shed a tear?
This may be a sign
that your relationship is on the rocks. A couple's meta-emotions that is, how they feel about emotion—need to be on the
same page.Meta-emotion mismatches were 80 percent accurate in
predicting breakup/divorce. Basically,
it's not about the conflict itself, it's about handling it in a complementary way to how your partner handles it.
9 You see your partner as inferior
Having contempt for your partner is one of behaviours that Gottman says is a telltale indicator of an impending
Break up/divorce. Seeing your partner as inferior in particular is the "kiss of death" for any relationship.
10. You take your anger out on each other
the people you love most are also the people you're most likely to take your anger out on, given that you interact with them more than anyone. But unfortunately, what they also found is that "aggression is harmful to individuals and to relationships," meaning that the more you hurt the people you love the more you risk pushing them away.
11. You're holding on to the past
It's hard to focus on the present when you're busy living in the past. And this is especially true in a romantic relationship
, as your complete and undivided emotional and physical
presence are required in order to make things work. If you want your current relationship to last, leave the past in the past
and let go of the things that are holding you back.
12 You have trust issues
Trust is not an easy thing to build with someone (especially if you've been betrayed in the past), but you should have faith
in the person with whom you intend to spend the rest of your life. Should you build a partnership on a foundation of
mistrust, you risk lacking both physical and emotional intimacy. Plus, you can almost guarantee that eventually your
partner will get fed up and walk away.
13 You love alcohol, but your partner doesn't.
If you love a good nightcap before heading to bed, then you should be sure that your life partner enjoys one as well. Same applies to smoking
14 Your relationship is full of secrets
Secrets are no fun especially in a long-term relationship. And what's even worse is lying about them, like when your
partner keeps secrets from you and blames you when you call them out on their secrecy.
They will say things like, 'You just couldn't handle it if I was open and honest with you, which is why I had to lie,'"
If you notice your partner lying to your face and then holding you responsible for their loathsome
actions, it might be time to sit down with them and address the problem directly before things escalate further.
15 You never take any blame
Every lover fights, but healthy ones end them with both parties apologizing and taking partial blame for what has
transpired. But in a relationship that's reaching its breaking point, you might find that either you or your partner refuse to
accept any of the blame, with one of you painting themselves entirely as the victim.
Note: We are all taught a language of blame when we feel powerful emotions.
16 You're not empathetic
A healthy and happy relationship should revolve around how each person is feeling. In times of conflict, we shift our mindset toward recognizing core needs for ourselves and our partners "[We try] empathizing with our
own unmet needs, empathizing with our partner's unmet needs, and then coming up with a plan for meeting them both."
However, partners in unstable relationships often find themselves fighting with their significant other, with little to no
regard for how the other person feels.
17 Your relationship lacks respect
Lovers will never understand each other when there is a lack of reverence in the relationship. And if one partner has a
blatant disrespect for the other's life choices, neither partner will ever feel comfortable talking about their day, let alone
their feelings or beliefs.
The biggest reason that I see on why a relationship does not work out is that one partner does not respect the other, ✍️That is a formula for disaster, as they will
never be on the same page and things will fall apart.
18. A big life event rocked the relationship.
A big and unexpected life event, like the death of a parent or a sudden job layoff, can shake a relationship to its core. And,
oftentimes, these life-changing moments will result in other major changes that many relationships struggle to survive.
"Sometimes due to a death in the family, development of an illness, or simply a desire to change careers, a person may
want to move to a different area, work less, or they pick up bad habits, like drinking, drugs, [or] sex addiction," says
Regina DeMeo.
Note:If your partner doesn't agree with these changes, then you no longer have a shared vision of where you need to be or where you are heading, which leads to irreconcilable differences.
19 You don't trust your spouse with money.
It's not necessarily how each partner spends money that causes problems in a relationship/marriage, it's how one partner thinks their
significant other is spending that does.
Note: When it comes to the impact of finances on relationships, perceptions may be just as
important, if not more important, than reality
20. You only think about yourself
Relationships are all about give and take and if you take more than you give, then the balance will be thrown of and
your partner will likely seek comfort in other places and people. In fact, this is such a well-known phenomenon that experts
have even given it a name: It's called the Social Exchange Theory.
Note: We are disturbed when there is no equity in an exchange or where others are rewarded more for the same costs we incurred
21. You don't express gratitude
When your significant other spends the entire day slaving away on a home-cooked meal, don't forget to thank them for all
that hard work. Otherwise, your partner will feel like all their efforts have gone unnoticed, or that you feel like your time is
more valuable than theirs.
Furthermore,
Taking a partner for granted undermines all relationships.
Note: Whether people acknowledge it or not, being a value to a significant other is essential.
When gratitude is not expressed, emotional, and sometimes physical, health is compromised.
You might think that your gratitude is implied, but it helps your partner to
hear that they're appreciated.
22 You rely on your partner for validation
Insecure folks use their partners as a crutch in order to feel better about their
many perceived shortcomings. And when the relationship is less than satisfactory, they see this as a slight against who they
are as a person, which can lead to anger, frustration, and ultimately, the end of the relationship.
Unfortunately, it can be
difficult to reason with someone who pins their self-worth to the status of their relationship.
23 You keep trying to change your significant other
One of the most important parts of being in a relationship is loving your partner for who they are without trying to change
them.
Furthermore,
People who secretly wish that their partner was just a little bit more fashionable or athletic will find that they love
an unrealistic version of their partner and not the actual person with whom they're coupled.
Note: It always helps to remember that love is unconditional and if yours isn't, then it might not be love after all.🌚
24 You don't forgive or forget
You can pretend to settle an argument with your lover just to make it go away, but that is only going to make things worse. Why? "Holding resentment is the quickest way to destroy love.
Note: Resentment is like the rust that eats away at the bonds of your relationship.
If you
don't resolve the underlying issues that are causing your resentment and anger, then your relationship will inevitably be
worn down to the point of no return.
25 You don't go out on dates anymore
After getting married, it takes work to maintain the spark that once existed in your relationship. If you don't work on
keeping it alive, you risk falling into the same old routines.
From the moment you begin to live together, romantic
moments are no longer automatic. Instead, much of your time together is spent on more mundane things i.e doing laundry, washing dishes, paying bills, or going to work. As soon as the initial newness of living together wears of,
such everyday things cease to feel exciting and romantic, and you may find yourself feeling worried that your partner no
longer cares as much or is as excited to be with you."
26 You don't listen
Every person in a relationship just wants their voice to be heard but in return, you need to give your partner that same
respect and actually listen to what they're saying. If your partner thinks that you're ignoring them, they will feel like their
opinions and emotions aren't important to you and consequently, neither is the relationship.
27. Or the relationship is too intimate
All lovers should express some level of affection but too much of any good thing can be a problem too. Lovers who displayed
overly intense amounts of affection at the onset of the relationship were more likely to fall apart in
the long-run compared to lovers who were less overtly affectionate.
Note: A fire that's strong takes a lot of effort to keep alive. So naturally, it will burn out faster than one that starts as a manageable spark
28. You're just not compatible
Sure, opposites gender might attract at first, but at the end of the day, they're not always compatible, and they can't always figure
out how to make a long-lasting relationship work. Little things like messiness and movie preferences are negligible, but it's
the bigger things like political views, senses of humor, and spending habits that can be the straws that break the camel's
back.
29 You're on different pages sexually
Mainly for married
Sometimes relationships fall apart not because of incompatibility, but because of issues in the bedroom. problems with love making and loss of libido are both commonly cited
issues in failing or failed relationships.
30. Someone cheated
Unsurprisingly, infidelity is one of the most common reasons
why relationships fall apart. One of the most
popular reasons given for breakup is "infidelity (lovers) or extramarital affairs for married
Author: Johnson Benjamin
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